Hi everyone (if people read this? haha)
It has been a loooooong time. So updates.
My sobriety date is February 26 (2016). Or, is it the 27th? It’s hard to know which way to count things.Yeah I think the 27th – I was still drunk early in the morning then. And it was around 5am that I first woke up saying to myself “I am so done”. Later when I woke up, it was the worst feeling of my entire life. The mistakes I made were things I just wished I had not done. The way I felt then, it was one of the worst feelings ever – never ever EVER in my life did I want to feel that way again. So there was that.
Then, the unbearable tooth pain came, I think later that day or the next day. It lasted all weekend (why does tooth pain always come on the weekends?? It’s like it knoooooows) and I was basically in bed writhing in pain and agony for the whole time. But that was good because the combination of a terrible hangover and tooth pain helped me to just not drink. Once that was over, I guess it was out of my system enough that it wasn’t as unbearable?
I don’t remember how, but I just kept not drinking… part of it I guess was just that rock bottom. And all of the things from therapy and everything had come together enough for it all to click.
There have only been several moments since then where the thought of drinking has seriously felt like an option to me. But today actually, I did feel that mildly. I was in the area of the castle with the alcohol, and usually I don’t go in there. But I was standing there, and just staring at it…earlier this week, while super stressed, I also thought “if I drank I would finally be able to do this scary thing I’ve been putting off since July” but no…. I did not drink…..
My food and eating has been worse this month. But then a few days ago I started on a healthier plan and so far it’s ok. Of course with me, it goes up and down. And so does my weight. In the last several months I had lost a chunk, and then in the last month or so I just gained it back…. yay. So, I would like to lose it again. But it’s hard when not every ounce of your self esteem is riding on your weight. I’m used to that being the thing that keeps me going, keeps me starving….this time, I’m trying to focus on health. I know that I will always have that urge to restrict (or to binge! Or to purge!) so it’s something I have to moniter. And my drinking cravings is something I have to monitor.
It’s funny though, I wrote the title of this post because it was my moods I was originally going to talk about managing. I had a full psych evaluation last summer/early autumn. It was a tricky process concerning BPD, whether or not to decide if I had it or not. It’s like I’m borderline borderline…. in the end, I was diagnosed with traits of BPD. Also social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, a bunch of other stuff I guess….random things.
I was approved for disability. This is helping me so so so much. I might even finally be able to live on my own. But of course, costs for places here are so expensive. It would be very tough. But I am so happy with being on disability because if I am able to slowly find work, which I would love, I would have some kind of supports. If I find it unbearable, and can’t work full time after all (my therapist thinks I honestly probably can’t do full time ever…) then I am not suddenly left all alone, stranded. So I will have supports, ways to transition to work if I can work, etc. And of course, a little more money. This is helpful.
Anyway, I was just sitting on my bed, crying because of this terrible feeling of lack and need for certain people and wanting them to love me and feeling alone and abandoned and all that typical BPD stuff I guess….I felt so horrible. Even though yesterday I was on top of the moon, high energy , so so happy and doing all the things. So I was thinking, “this is just something I will always have to manage”….. it sucks, but it is the truth.
So that was my post after having not written forever. Now I have to go back and see what I have written earlier. What things I’ve shared here and what I haven’t, before I start talking about stuff. I really can’t remember!!! :O