Something I will have to manage forever

Hi everyone (if people read this? haha)

It has been a loooooong time. So updates.

My sobriety date is February 26 (2016). Or, is it the 27th? It’s hard to know which way to ย count things.Yeah I think the 27th – I was still drunk early in the morning then. And it was around 5am that I first woke up saying to myself “I am so done”. Later when I woke up, it was the worst feeling of my entire life. The mistakes I made were things I just wished I had not done. The way I felt then, it was one of the worst feelings ever – never ever EVER in my life did I want to feel that way again. So there was that.

Then, the unbearable tooth pain came, I think later that day or the next day. It lasted all weekend (why does tooth pain always come on the weekends?? It’s like it knoooooows) and I was basically in bed writhing in pain and agony for the whole time. But that was good because the combination of a terrible hangover and tooth pain helped me to just not drink. Once that was over, I guess it was out of my system enough that it wasn’t as unbearable?

I don’t remember how, but I just kept not drinking… part of it I guess was just that rock bottom. And all of the things from therapy and everything had come together enough for it all to click.

There have only been several moments since then where the thought of drinking has seriously felt like an option to me. But today actually, I did feel that mildly. I was in the area of the castle with the alcohol, and usually I don’t go in there. But I was standing there, and just staring at it…earlier this week, while super stressed, I also thought “if I drank I would finally be able to do this scary thing I’ve been putting off since July” but no…. I did not drink…..

My food and eating has been worse this month. But then a few days ago I started on a healthier plan and so far it’s ok. Of course with me, it goes up and down. And so does my weight. In the last several months I had lost a chunk, and then in the last month or so I just gained it back…. yay. So, I would like to lose it again. But it’s hard when not every ounce of your self esteem is riding on your weight. I’m used to that being the thing that keeps me going, keeps me starving….this time, I’m trying to focus on health. I know that I will always have that urge to restrict (or to binge! Or to purge!) so it’s something I have to moniter. And my drinking cravings is something I have to monitor.

It’s funny though, I wrote the title of this post because it was my moods I was originally going to talk about managing. I had a full psych evaluation last summer/early autumn. It was a tricky process concerning BPD, whether or not to decide if I had it or not. It’s like I’m borderline borderline…. in the end, I was diagnosed with traits of BPD. Also social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, a bunch of other stuff I guess….random things.

I was approved for disability. This is helping me so so so much. I might even finally be able to live on my own. But of course, costs for places here are so expensive. It would be very tough. But I am so happy with being on disability because if I am able to slowly find work, which I would love, I would have some kind of supports. If I find it unbearable, and can’t work full time after all (my therapist thinks I honestly probably can’t do full time ever…) then I am not suddenly left all alone, stranded. So I will have supports, ways to transition to work if I can work, etc. And of course, a little more money. This is helpful.

Anyway, I was just sitting on my bed, crying because of this terrible feeling of lack and need for certain people and wanting them to love me and feeling alone and abandoned and all that typical BPD stuff I guess….I felt so horrible. Even though yesterday I was on top of the moon, high energy , so so happy and doing all the things. So I was thinking, “this is just something I will always have to manage”….. it sucks, but it is the truth.

So that was my post after having not written forever. Now I have to go back and see what I have written earlier. What things I’ve shared here and what I haven’t, before I start talking about stuff. I really can’t remember!!! :O

I AM SO UPSET

Okay look. I’m SICK of seeing all these “big is beautiful” posters with overweight women on them, yet in every single picture, they all have thinner faces with NO double chin and model like features. Stereotypically beautifully faces… therefore, it’s “ok” to have them be “big and beautiful” because at least their faces are “acceptable” and “beautiful!” Gggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah WTF!!!!!!!!!

Okay so I’m having a breakdown right now. And this just popped up on my computer and made it worse. I mean, I have a double chin and a fat face, yet I’m not THAT overweight. But I’m still a fat fucking blob. “People say I carry it well”. But… I don’t in my fucking face!! It’s the main reason that it bothers me to be overweight – my chubby face with neck that connect to chin in this big blob.

I would LIKE THE FUCK to see some posters of these so called big and beautiful women, posters meant to help self esteem, with some other kinds of fucking faces on them now!!! And lots of double chin!! LOTS!!! Let me see big, round, double chinned women in those self esteem posters – or else they’re just not fucking helping at all.

It’s kinda like when you see those posters for how certain races can be beautiful too (of course they can be!!) but the posters and the models all have stereotypically looking ‘white’ faces and features… why not all kinds of shapes and looks. Gah. It’s not really accepting differentness at all.

___________________

Anyway, I am really fucking sad today.

I’m on day 79 of being sober. Today, everyone left the castle, and I was here alone. And I was so close to drinking all afternoon and it was hell to not. But I didn’t. Then they came back and it would have been much harder to drink then, since it’s mostly in the communal area.

But then – they just left again!!! And I have the place to myself tonight.

So basically, long story short, sobbing my eyes out in the kitchen. Crying about how I have no control over my body. I managed to so far not drink, but I want to so badly…. and I have been trying very hard to nourish my body and to get it back on track… trying so fucking hard…. and here I am months later and I look the same, feel the same, am at the same weight, same measurements, and not only that – now I’m in the kitchen finally sort of allowing myself to pig out on food because I feel starving, and atleast if I binge on food maybe I can stop myself from binging on alcohol.

And I was also sobbing because I knew I couldn’t/shouldn’t purge again, like I had just gotten into the habit of doing after a food binge. I just can’t do this. I don’t think my body could handle it.

But then I’m going even more backwards in my taking care of body program. Or of actually losing weight. And it’s not fair that I have these overwhelming cravings (both FOOD and alcohol) and that I feel so out of control. And even when I control the urges, and go for long periods of time not pigging out, taking care of myself – NOTHING HAPPENS.

And I am lumpy and ugly with a fat face and alone tonight with no friends and no plans for valentines and my body is basically in control of me and how I feel and how fucking fat I am and when I eat and blah blah blah……………………..

So I’m sobbing away and then my nose starts bleeding. So I run upstairs, eventually after a long time it stops… and then I think I will watch netflix to calm down, but the computer is black and has seemed to stop working. But I have another one (I have two barely-working computers that are both second or third hand) so I can type this here (I can’t watch netflix on this comp though – they won’t play right and it’s all choppy).

And I still feel pressure in my nose an like there’s just something wrong with mean I’m dying of a brain tumour or something. I swear to god. I’ve thought this for the past 5 years. That there’s just something not right.

Anyway. I have been trying to do the radiant recovery program, which is focused on adding good things into your life so you have a more stable foundation before you cut out sugar. So I bought this whey protein powder, and in the last week it has been the only thing that has really helped me to control my cravings and relax and feel like a normal person.

You know. I can feel calm and not starving. And not binge. But, oh no! What’s that?!? It gives me horrible back and stomach pains whenever I take it. I can take a tiny amount, and I don’t get much pain, but it doesn’t give relief or fill me up either.

Basically, fuck it all. No one’s dietary advice works and no ones emotional/psychological advice works.

I guess I have to focus on how I’m a spirit and not give a fuck about my outward appearance or what my body does or feels. Why am I in a physical world then? Who te fuck knows. And if there’s no such thing as a spiritual soul, then I’m really truly fucked. And in that case – what is the fucking point?!!??! Just. I give up then.

FUCK. IT. ALL.

Why are there so many stupid people!??!?? Why do I see no TRULY fat girls on those big is beautiful posters?!? Because they’re still subscribing to societies standards.

And also…. I really hope I don’t have a brain tumour………… I hope I’m not fucking dying.

I’ve had a couple other nosebleeds this month. WTF.

Oh let’s try to be healthy! So my body can go die on me anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: AAHHH!!! SO, remember I said I ended a ten year long relationship that was abusive, like, a year or two ago?? Just last night though I had a dream, and I missed them soooooo much. Yet, when I see their face on FB (mutual friends, one of them has them in their profile pic eve) I want to scream and punch them in the fucking face. But then today I was almost crying because I missed them. Soooo messed up) ANYWAY. THEY JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE ON FB!!!! Aaaaarrrgh,

I got so much more stressed even, at that, you have no idea. So I just had to lay on my bed and try to visualise my ‘safe, happy place’ lolol I really have one!!! It’s a beautiful space where I can just relax and de stress in my head.

So there is one cat where I live (well, two really) that just don’t like to go near humans much, don’t cuddle, absolutely will not be picked up, and just keep to themselves. Well. She came in my room, and not just that, but hopped on my bed and was walking around me, soooo worried looking. That’s crazy. I freaked out the hermit cat and she actually seemed worried about me. Awwww….. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Now, I may have a shower. And watch netflix on my phone I guess. Eat more chocolate. Because in the morning, I will be sober. And I will celebrate. (also friday the 13th – good thing – and day before valentines – sad day – but a reason to buy myself chocolate, if I got my check yet – I hope so)

Oh. So I can read the message on my email, without going to the FB one. They’re trying to show me a video of a song that they are in love with, and that makes them think of me. I think I’m going to have another breakdown now, and try so hard to remember why this person is not in my life… but maybe I made a mistake….wwaaaaaaaaaaaaah. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

DAY 72

OMG – day 72.

……….What the heck happened!??? How did this come to be???

Anyway. In therapy this week, I think I had a minor breakthrough. And my job this week is to journal through it – which I’ve been putting off – and must do soon. But I know that once I journal through it all, then it will be a HUGE, GIANT BREAKTHROUGH. Woooohoooooo!!!

So. Even writing this post, about being on day 72, makes me want to drink. I want to drink now.

I have to think of “the after” or whatever you shall call it. The reality of what really happens. You know that Winnie the Pooh quote?

    โ€œWell,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.โ€

Except that drinking is not good for me at all. But I think it feels good. It seems as if it’s the thinking about and planning of it that is the best. Once I get to the actual drinking, I think I feel relief – but it’s my addiction being fed – happy that I’m making it stronger – that it’s making me weaker – that I am that much closer to pain and death. Then it escalates, I black out shortly after, then get really sick, do terrible things, feel SO MUCH SHAME…. it’s not that great.

It’s the anticipation of it that seems sweet. It’s a sweet, sweet lie… because the reality is horror.

So, I have to remind myself of “the after” even though that reminds me of a horror movie title. Hey – wait – maybe that’s a good thing!!!

THE AFTER…. dun dun dun…..

*shudders*

I need to stop binging on food, and stop thinking about alcohol too!!!

I don’t wanna turn into a fat whale just because I’m trying not to drink. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I hope this settles down soon!! I still do exercise. But I am pigging out so much…. I don’t wanna get even more blubbery. Fuck.

In other areas of my life, things are ok. But like even now, I want to drink so badly. But then I chugged a bunch of juice, some gingerale, more juice, water… ate a lot. My stomach is so full. The thought of drinking now, isn’t actually as appealing. Leaves me with a cold, lonely feeling inside, just at the thought…. hmm.

Anyway.

It would be cool to be able to lose some weight, finally. I have a lot to lose. But I have to focus on the other areas of life, too.

Very short update

I haven’t been updating much……….eeeeh!!

Okay so. I had a sober new years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hanging out with friend that I really admire. ๐Ÿ™‚

Had a great Christmas.

This is such a sucky update!!!

Oh well.

day 41 today I think.

Oooh it’s been awhile!!!

OMG I haven’t updated this in forever!! And there were so many times when I would have had so much to say…. so many hissy fits, so many low moods, high moods too!!

Anyway. I am trying terribly hard to lose weight. But I don’t like feeling so hungry all the time. I’m not exactly sticking to the radiant recovery – I seem to have slipped into old habits again. Except that, I’m not super restricting – like 1500 or 1600 calorie average a day?? Though most days I was aiming for 1200-1450 (still am). And most days walking half an hour. This doesn’t feel like enough food. Or maybe, the food just isn’t nutritious enough. If I eat until satisfied, then I will be eating at maintenance and I will never lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Ok one day I had 3100 calories (and I still felt fucking hungry after – like empty stomach, starving feeling hungry – wtf is wrong with me!?!??!?) And so the next day I had 300 cals. And somehow, that wasn’t so hard. WTF.

I just don’t understand anything. It’s not normal. My body is not normal. I think I’ve lost all the water weight I can now. Like 7 lbs. A couple times in the past I’ve lost 10 lbs water weight. Then – NOTHING. FOEREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously.

The only way I have EVER lost more than that is by starving myself for a long, long time. Love you too, body.

I haven’t drank since the 25th (of November). I promised my sobriety counselour I’d go to AA, two meetings, before the new year (well, before my appointment with him in the new year). So I started by finding out days, times, locations.. and at the time one started, I would walk over to where it was, do my visualisation and deep breathing exercises to calm down…. then continue on. Well, I was actually hoping I’d find the courage to go in. But for the first time, I’m just happy I made it that far.

Anyway. Who the fuck knows if my body will actually do anything. I fucking hate this. Whatever.

Other stuff in my life is going fine though. Some things great!! And Christmas is coming, and that is a happy time for me. I really love Christmas.

Protein….. also, fuck it all.

Ok, I want to try the radiant recovery thing.

But but… she’s fat. And yes, she made some post about that before. But, I think that if you’re truly being healthy… won’t you go to a healthier weight? I think the people doing the program eat far too many carbs. You can just as easily binge on them. How come she didn’t see in all her studies what even whole wheat or processed grains do to people!?!? OMG it still raises insulin levels and causes inflammation WTF!!!

Well anyway. I can do a modification of her program, just with less refined grains. I know for one, that I handle sweet potatoes very well. Maybe some rice, I don’t know… maybe quinoa? Well in any case, I have one starchy carb I can work with. And yeah. I could try some rice again.

The main thing is, to have protein at breakfast. And to get enough protein in general. PROTEIN PROTEIN PROTEIN.

I DO know that this helps. A lot.

Meh. I guess that is something small I can try.

Although I do still have a tendency to stray towards eating disordered behaviour. Oh fucking well. Atleast I have one small thing I can cling to, for now. Unless… ED takes over. But fuck it. I’m supposed to b dealing with my problems, right?!

Well. That time I went sober (from alcohol) for 38 – the longest time – the majority of it was disordered eating. THAT is what took up all of my attention. I wasn’t dealing with my emotions – just restriction and counting and weighing.

And this last time – I was just binging on sugar. Still not good.

Anyway. Maybe I should show my therapist the articles and studies on recovering alcoholics who almost always relapse, but when they take out sugar, the relapse rate is really low. But then again, it wasn’t until I took out sugar that I caved and drank.

WELL FUCK IT ALL TO HELL.

Maybe I simply give up.

Let it take me. Whatever the strongest force is …just fucking take me. I’m too tired to fight right now. Fucking world.

FOOD CRAVINGS – how do I live this way??

I am not a normal person. I don’t work myself busy all week, just go go go, and giving to others. I don’t have this work ethic where I get up in the morning and work hard all day long, and then at the end of the week, curl up with a good book and a hot drink and am like “this is a well deserved break”

I guess I’m a fucking asshole. Lazy, selfish…???

But yet, I wouldn’t hurt a fly, and I care about people a lot. So what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?
(haha okay, this was brought on by someone’s FB status…just thought I’d explain, since it seems kinda random) ๐Ÿ˜›

Also, I’m still torn between what kind of struggle I would like to choose.

1) Struggle with cravings (food/sugar/carbs/etc) my entire life, always pissed off and irritable that they’re everywhere and I can’t eat them… always knowing there are a billion things I can’t eat or drink. I have a good body, I am healthy, yet this mental and emotional agony and all these cravings make me want to rip out my hair and kill everyone.

2.a) Always giving in to the cravings, oh what bliss and pleasure… except that they get worse and worse, and I binge more and more…and get horrible stomach pain, bloating, puffy eyes, always tired, other mental and emotional problems, tons of healthy issues, and obesity that makes me hate the way I look – but oh, I can cave and eat all the things all the time!
2.b) Give in to the cravings, eat all the things and ENJOY… but the cravings get worse and worse, and sometimes I purge, or feel so upset about it or the way I look that I hurt myself in other ways, and/or purge sometimes, and then starve for awhile… repeat the vicious cycle. And I am overweight and have health problems and hate the way I look – but hey, I can de-stress with junk foods and not give a fuck about being healthy or dealing with unbearable cravings! (all I have to do is go for days of restricting afterwards, counting calories, spiraling into eating disorders…. and that would probably be 2.5)

2.5) I can eat what I want, kind of like 2) and 3), but focus on losing weight and calories. But this quickly spirals into eating disorder, restricting more and more… then ending up binging…then restricting…focusing all my energy on losing weight, how I look, how many calories, how much I weigh, restricting even more, etc etc…

3) Trying to walk “the middle path” and always trying to figure out what a good balance of sugar is for me. Always worrying, stressing… sometimes I have a bit too much sugar, and get super into binge mode where I am back to trying to choose between 1) or 2)….always trying to have just a little bit, so always ALWAYS feeling these unbearable cravings, yet trying to simply deal with them. How the fuck do I handle constantly craving sugar…but never giving into it entirely? Like an itch that you can never quite scratch. Like having a glass of wine a day. This path seems like torture to me – try to balance on this razor thin wire fence – it’s the middle path, haha!!!

SO………… there’s my fucking life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anxiety. Depression. Addiction. Yay.

I also hate how hard things are with anxiety. To just get up and do something, it’s like I physically feel it all over my body – this pain and discomfort – it is not easy.

Most things just hurt. Kind of like a fluttery, anxious hurt… like butterflies in your stomach, but they’re everywhere, and they flutter so much that this ticklish vibration feeling starts to grate on you and it starts to kind of actually hurt… like things lightly brushing your skin all over until your skin feels raw…it’s like…such discomfort. It kind of hurts everywhere.

So to just get up and do anything (well, most things, not all… I am still luckier than others) it’s just hurts and is uncomfortable. So I constantly feel this. And then I constantly feel cravings for release – like from alcohol. And I feel cravings for foods…sugary things… for relief from those cravings, too. And I feel upset, and try to talk myself out of it… but that’s hard, too.

And I try to talk to people, but I’m constantly anxious. So I feel afraid. And I hide. It is so hard to be constantly uncomfortable, especially when the discomfort is coming from all kinds of sources – not just one.

But if I try to work on one thing, the other ones suffer – badly. But if I try to work on them all, or a couple at a time, I get spread too thin and crack open and relapse totally.

Wow – I love this!!

They forgot to pay me :(

I’m so fucking pissed of!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was supposed to get paid on the 1st, and now it’s the 3rd, and I called, and they said “ooops, there was a computer glitch” so now, I have to wait a couple more days…

Look! I don’t have money! Actually, I think I have 5 dollars. But I am in a concert very soon and I need to buy things for it. I don’t have the outfit, and I was waiting for my money to be able to afford it. And now what!?

And the weird thing is, yeah, I think I was half planning a binge in my head… so I can’t… and it’s like the universe is like “if you can’t stop yourself, I will!” but I mean, how long can that go on for!? I eat healthy and don’t binge for a couple more days… yay, that’s awesome, but… after that? Will I just fucking binge again??

It’s always like I’m fucking prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway, I just have so much anger right now, and I am just so upset!! I’ve already cried a couple times. Slammed doors. Slammed other things. I think I’m genuinely angry. I haven’t spiraled things out of control (atleast not at this point) and been like “oh woe is me, this and this and that are also wrong…” but, I am simply very upset about this not getting money thing.

And of course, upset that I can’t support myself.

I feel like one of my only chances for choice have been taken away. I have so little control in my life. I feel like without any money at all, when I was expecting to have some, that even more of my options/choices are taken away. I feel powerless. And I’m just so fucking upset!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh but of course, in the back of my mind, I have all these people saying “well, if you had a job….” so in a way, I feel like I can’t complain or be this angry. Like, how dare I get so upset that other people aren’t simply handing me money?!? lol but hey, these other people, they actually have control in their lives and they can step out of the house and just do things, and fucking live their lives….they don’t understand what it’s like to be me or have my mind or my life.

I just feel so powerless right now. And upset. Angry. Pissed off. Hopeless (or is it helpless??)

This is just so dumb.

This fails….