I AM SO UPSET

Okay look. I’m SICK of seeing all these “big is beautiful” posters with overweight women on them, yet in every single picture, they all have thinner faces with NO double chin and model like features. Stereotypically beautifully faces… therefore, it’s “ok” to have them be “big and beautiful” because at least their faces are “acceptable” and “beautiful!” Gggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah WTF!!!!!!!!!

Okay so I’m having a breakdown right now. And this just popped up on my computer and made it worse. I mean, I have a double chin and a fat face, yet I’m not THAT overweight. But I’m still a fat fucking blob. “People say I carry it well”. But… I don’t in my fucking face!! It’s the main reason that it bothers me to be overweight – my chubby face with neck that connect to chin in this big blob.

I would LIKE THE FUCK to see some posters of these so called big and beautiful women, posters meant to help self esteem, with some other kinds of fucking faces on them now!!! And lots of double chin!! LOTS!!! Let me see big, round, double chinned women in those self esteem posters – or else they’re just not fucking helping at all.

It’s kinda like when you see those posters for how certain races can be beautiful too (of course they can be!!) but the posters and the models all have stereotypically looking ‘white’ faces and features… why not all kinds of shapes and looks. Gah. It’s not really accepting differentness at all.

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Anyway, I am really fucking sad today.

I’m on day 79 of being sober. Today, everyone left the castle, and I was here alone. And I was so close to drinking all afternoon and it was hell to not. But I didn’t. Then they came back and it would have been much harder to drink then, since it’s mostly in the communal area.

But then – they just left again!!! And I have the place to myself tonight.

So basically, long story short, sobbing my eyes out in the kitchen. Crying about how I have no control over my body. I managed to so far not drink, but I want to so badly…. and I have been trying very hard to nourish my body and to get it back on track… trying so fucking hard…. and here I am months later and I look the same, feel the same, am at the same weight, same measurements, and not only that – now I’m in the kitchen finally sort of allowing myself to pig out on food because I feel starving, and atleast if I binge on food maybe I can stop myself from binging on alcohol.

And I was also sobbing because I knew I couldn’t/shouldn’t purge again, like I had just gotten into the habit of doing after a food binge. I just can’t do this. I don’t think my body could handle it.

But then I’m going even more backwards in my taking care of body program. Or of actually losing weight. And it’s not fair that I have these overwhelming cravings (both FOOD and alcohol) and that I feel so out of control. And even when I control the urges, and go for long periods of time not pigging out, taking care of myself – NOTHING HAPPENS.

And I am lumpy and ugly with a fat face and alone tonight with no friends and no plans for valentines and my body is basically in control of me and how I feel and how fucking fat I am and when I eat and blah blah blah……………………..

So I’m sobbing away and then my nose starts bleeding. So I run upstairs, eventually after a long time it stops… and then I think I will watch netflix to calm down, but the computer is black and has seemed to stop working. But I have another one (I have two barely-working computers that are both second or third hand) so I can type this here (I can’t watch netflix on this comp though – they won’t play right and it’s all choppy).

And I still feel pressure in my nose an like there’s just something wrong with mean I’m dying of a brain tumour or something. I swear to god. I’ve thought this for the past 5 years. That there’s just something not right.

Anyway. I have been trying to do the radiant recovery program, which is focused on adding good things into your life so you have a more stable foundation before you cut out sugar. So I bought this whey protein powder, and in the last week it has been the only thing that has really helped me to control my cravings and relax and feel like a normal person.

You know. I can feel calm and not starving. And not binge. But, oh no! What’s that?!? It gives me horrible back and stomach pains whenever I take it. I can take a tiny amount, and I don’t get much pain, but it doesn’t give relief or fill me up either.

Basically, fuck it all. No one’s dietary advice works and no ones emotional/psychological advice works.

I guess I have to focus on how I’m a spirit and not give a fuck about my outward appearance or what my body does or feels. Why am I in a physical world then? Who te fuck knows. And if there’s no such thing as a spiritual soul, then I’m really truly fucked. And in that case – what is the fucking point?!!??! Just. I give up then.

FUCK. IT. ALL.

Why are there so many stupid people!??!?? Why do I see no TRULY fat girls on those big is beautiful posters?!? Because they’re still subscribing to societies standards.

And also…. I really hope I don’t have a brain tumour………… I hope I’m not fucking dying.

I’ve had a couple other nosebleeds this month. WTF.

Oh let’s try to be healthy! So my body can go die on me anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: AAHHH!!! SO, remember I said I ended a ten year long relationship that was abusive, like, a year or two ago?? Just last night though I had a dream, and I missed them soooooo much. Yet, when I see their face on FB (mutual friends, one of them has them in their profile pic eve) I want to scream and punch them in the fucking face. But then today I was almost crying because I missed them. Soooo messed up) ANYWAY. THEY JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE ON FB!!!! Aaaaarrrgh,

I got so much more stressed even, at that, you have no idea. So I just had to lay on my bed and try to visualise my ‘safe, happy place’ lolol I really have one!!! It’s a beautiful space where I can just relax and de stress in my head.

So there is one cat where I live (well, two really) that just don’t like to go near humans much, don’t cuddle, absolutely will not be picked up, and just keep to themselves. Well. She came in my room, and not just that, but hopped on my bed and was walking around me, soooo worried looking. That’s crazy. I freaked out the hermit cat and she actually seemed worried about me. Awwww….. 😦

Now, I may have a shower. And watch netflix on my phone I guess. Eat more chocolate. Because in the morning, I will be sober. And I will celebrate. (also friday the 13th – good thing – and day before valentines – sad day – but a reason to buy myself chocolate, if I got my check yet – I hope so)

Oh. So I can read the message on my email, without going to the FB one. They’re trying to show me a video of a song that they are in love with, and that makes them think of me. I think I’m going to have another breakdown now, and try so hard to remember why this person is not in my life… but maybe I made a mistake….wwaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

The last few days

Okay so, Friday. I wanted to drink and I knew I was going to drink and so I went to the store and I bought a bottle of sherry.

I’m sorry – I really just made that decision – if you can call it a true decision (but then I would have to get into the whole idea of free will and everything and that would take forever – short story; I really don’t even believe in it) ANYWAY!!!! I made the decision and even on the way home, I was like yeah… is there a way I could *not* drink? Who knows. If someone I knew well were to drive by and offer me a ride, I would take it and then most likely just give them the alcohol right away. The only thing is, I might just go right back to the store the next day (or that evening) and get more.

So! I basically went and bought it and didn’t feel as guilty as usual. I know it’s not the right thing – and I did get mad that I felt I “needed” it. But, since I felt I needed it, and just didn’t know how to cope without drinking it, I just…went and got it. Yeah, right now I am truly a werewolf. (This seems to happen on every new moon though – not full – hmmmmm)

Anyway….so I bought sherry. It was so cheap. And I bought a couple frozen diet meals and some low cal sports drink (which helps me the next day especially) and I went home and just drank it straight. I was wanting to drink so badly I almost went to the nearest coffee shop to crack it open and drink some. But then I realised it would smell. So.

I went home, at around 3pm-ish, even though I knew I had a play to go to at 7pm. So I said I would drink until 5pm. Ha. So I basically drank the whole bottle in a few hours and then went to the play (I had a ride). Everything seemed ok. I talked to a few people, watched the whole play, enjoyed it, talked to people after, went home. Then tried to sleep (waking up every now and then). The next morning I felt kinda guilty and tried to check for embarrassments, but, there weren’t that many.

The next day I got right back on track with being healthy. I might have even gone for a walk. The day after that, the cravings got worse, but I didn’t want to go get wine (or more sherry) because I was determined for this just to be a slip (and – I had an appointment with my therapist the next day and really didn’t want her to think I relapsed – I really wanted to say this was a slip!!) I eventually did go and buy some snacky junk last night. But that was after all day of eating healthy, going for a walk, trying my skills. I finally was just like “fuck it, I’m going to have some sugary snack” and I got some gluten free cookies and ate almost the whole package. Then I felt fine (I also bought a bunch of chocolate bars, but I didn’t eat them! And, there were two cookies left in the package last night – that never happens!!)

Today, I got up and I made myself make some breakfast with protein and veggies (a la Radiant Recovery). THEN I had coffee. Now, I’m writing these journal entries and I still haven’t had the chocolate bars (I’m sure I will at some point). So, I am trying, and I can see a difference.

Yes, I still keep thinking about wine, on and off.

I’m trying, though. I want to be healthy.

Low blood sugar? Something so simple…

OMG could all these alcohol cravings really be from low blood sugar??!?!?
Because after I ate that pineapple and some German espresso chocolate, I felt fine.
Fine as in, put myself back in that first scenario in the previous post, but with a cup of starbucks or some nice holiday drink (non-alcoholic, probably coffee) and BAM, cheerful and happy and content as ever. WTF. This is good and this is bad.

Now I’m eating grapes and cream cheese and I’ve had some almond butter too. I hate being a slave to my body like this. It feels so dangerous. And also, the *idea* of drinking is still appealing to me. But that is mostly because I am not thinking of the negatives (and I remember, there are a LOT!!!) So….maybe I should go over my old pros and cons list. Yup, good idea.

I’m just so fragile now. I have to remember this.

Also – onwards to my first day of learning Chinese on my own! And possibly randomly crying into my grapes and cream cheese (crying is a good thing). Not crying beacuse of the learning. Crying because of the…. everything else, heh. Goodnight all!!! 🙂

Good luck to you all, too!

DAY 6 of no sugar, LCHF – Day 27 of no alcohol

I feel really good, physically especially.

My food cravings, since day 1 or 2 actually, have been calmed down so much! Yesterday I was actually worried that I had NO appetite. I went down to the kitchen just before midnight and was sitting there, thinking about whether I should force myself to eat because I had hardly eaten all day. Such a stark difference from the previous week that it’s mind boggling. Not to mention, the last few days my appetite has been so low and my body has felt no aches or pains, and I was apparently in PMS!! I just got my period today!! So I *should* have been pigging out like a raving lunatic, bottomless pit of a stomach and neverending appetite, but instead…. the opposite.

And the good thing is that I actually enjoy what I do eat.

I am scared, though. I don’t like the fact that I have two addictions, for sure. I don’t like how I could slip at any moment. I don’t like how I would always have to watch this – my sugar/starches intake, and my alcohol intake. Yet I feel so good without it. Yet a part of my mind loves it so much and wants to go back. Yet… I just feel so much more free without it!

I am calmed down now, which means I can actually start to focus on smaller tweaks now – like a normal person! You know, like switching out my non-stick pan to a stainless steel (just did this today) or focusing on using less plastics (working on this right now…) Is this what a “normal” person is like? They are calm enough, and not focused on getting their “fix” and feeling all pathetic and lazy and fuzzy brained and starving and tired all the time, so that they can actually concentrate and put their focus on making actual healthy choices? Without feeling like they are falling apart? I like that.

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However, I have started thinking about drinking again. It’s getting worse and worse, the cravings. Especially in the last few days. Now, is *that* a symptom of PMS, or, is it because it’s been 27 days and my brain is missing it?!? And a lot of it is psychological. I will tell you what I have been dreaming about (drinking wise) so I will just put a **trigger warning** here in case you don’t want to read about the details of drinking. Because I am kind of glamourizing it (though you might not like my specific fantasies, heh)

I keep imagining it snowing – a beautiful winter snow – like a “christmas will be here in a week” snow. I even imagine drinking outside. Not wine. Vodka. Beautiful, clear vodka… out of a glass bottle. For some reason, this is really important. I think because I imagine that I have just bought it, and am walking to the park, or to meet with my friend (maybe even to give it to her instead) but on the way there it is just so beautiful and snowy, and I am near the park with all the trees, and I take out the cold glass bottle of vodka (I haven’t had vodka in a loooong time but it was my drink of choice when I first started out and had settled on what I liked) and I unscrew it and place the cold glass ridge to my lips.

And I take a sip, and I feel the clear, kind of cold, minty liquid in my mouth and as it goes down it is warm and beautiful, and already my mind and heart and body are warm. I feel good. All the endorphins or dopamine or whatever rushes into my head and I feel so good, blissful, warm, loved, happy and excited for the christmas holidays… I can relax, be me, just enjoy. Let it go. Experience all the happiness and bliss and release that I’ve been waiting for… I have missed this. I feel so gooooood!!!

And I can just wander and feel so good…. I don’t care if I do stupid things… that’s part of the point of being drunk. I write things in the snow and laugh because it’s fun, and I just find joy and amusement in everything and everything is hilarious and silly and beautiful and ecstatic and I laugh and just enjoy it all…. let it aaaaallllll goooooooo……………

Of course I know that I pass out eventually. I might feel sick. But the next day I can drink again if I want.
I don’t like how I will probably feel groggy, tired, bloated, maybe depressed or disappointed. A little apathetic. But it’s like, I miss vodka especially so much. I miss those happy times.

Or I am in my room, near christmas again, and outside it’s snowing and inside it’s all glowy and warm and bright, with decorations and christmas music, and I’m on the computer talking to people or surfing the net or watching movies or learning languages or other things or just… all of those things. Or decorating my tree, wandering around, dancing to the music, whatever. Safe in my house.

And I drink, and it makes it all so much more glowy and fuzzy and warm and bright. And happy and delirious, and I can just relax and let go and become so wrapped up in that good feeling and all the holiday stuff seems even more joyous……..everything is great and sparkly and happy.

I know the bad things of drinking, I’m just having a hard time seeing them right now. Or believing that drinking a couple times around the holidays would be that bad.

BUT! The interesting thing is that I was like “ok then, well you actually have money right now, and there is a light dusting of snow outside, and you could really just make your way to the store and buy alcohol right now. You could drink today, or tomorrow or the next day….” and you know what? My first thoughts were actually “nah, not right now, I don’t want to feel bad tomorrow or be bloaty and tired and sick tomorrow… I don’t want that right now” so huh. Very interesting.

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Anyway, that is a part of my life right now.

Being creative with sugar free things

You know, living sugar free can have some bits of fun actually… I had forgotten about the creative part. You really have to be creative. Luckily, I am a very creative person and I thrive on being that way! It is possible to eat delicious and fun things this way. It can be work though – atleast at first, once you’re getting used to it. Yeah, sometimes it can be expensive. And I have ended up packing food with me wherever I go… but really, that is not that much of a nuisance. It’s fine.

So today it’s snowing, and I wanted to get a holiday type drink from the coffee place. Maybe even see if they have new fun, holiday flavoured teas? I went, and they had no new teas, but peppermint… not new! And pumpkin spice….which I overdid this autumn, haha. All the coffee drinks were FULL of sugar and things! Like peppermint mocha latte sprinkles whipped cream syrupy goop…

So! I had a dark roast coffee, with cream, and then got a chocolate mint flavour shot – which is sugar free! I asked, and they had to go to the back and make sure, but yep – sugar free! And once I got home, I added the teensiest bit of liquid stevia to it. So omg!!! I get a fun, holiday drink! Chocolate mint creamy coffee for the holidays – woo!! Can’t wait to try the other flavour shots too. And play around with these drinks a bit.

See? This part can be fun.

I’m still not too happy about how much meat and veggies cost, but, what can you do?

In other news, my therapist cancelled again today. I can’t even say I’m mad in the slightest – I’m just really worried at this point. She seems to have a lot of health problems, and she cancels a lot. I hope there’s nothing else that is too serious that I don’t know about. This time, it sounds like she was at work, and then had to leave…. I really, really, really hope she is okay.

Also, I’m worried about my grandma, who was having pain in her shoulder and left arm. I hope she can get this checked out really soon, and that there’s nothing to worry about and that she’ll be fine. I would like healing for both of these people.

Sugar and junk food addiction

So, do you think it’s a good idea to try to go off sugar for a month (or really, really low sugar anyway)

I just realised that today is November 13th. December 13th marks my 50 days without alcohol (which of course I hope to renew before then). But, seeing as sugar is giving me such a hard time…maybe today I can stop sugar, and then make it a 30 day goal. So I’d be doing the no/low sugar and no alcohol thing at the same time and it would end on the same day. (BTW this means that today is 20 days alcohol free).

I had this thought just now while I was in the kitchen, walking around like a depraved maniac…sugar sugar sugar… and then I saw these two bottles of beer on a shelf, on the way to the “dungeon” (I live in a castle, remember?! Actually in the old days, the dungeon was actually the tower, but whatever….) xD

My first thought was
“omg give me some of that, it will help with the sugar cravings….!!!”

……

……………

WTF.

NO.

That is not how it’s supposed to work!!! Hahaha… I have to laugh. It’s just so ridiculous.

Anyway, I get the feeling that all this binging is just covering up something I’m trying to hide. Or many things, really…I was hoping that by doing no alcohol at all for 50 days, that hidden issues would start to surface again, and I could deal with them. They started to, and then… binge binge binge.

Today I was in the pantry and took some chocolate. I opened a huge family sized bar and broke off a bunch of pieces (again, not my chocolate… sort of like… possibly communal but let’s leave it for the others type thing….or, just don’t take too much. Which, for me, is nearly impossible!)

I was thinking about stopping sugar after this chocolate, and then instantly started sucking on a row of this chocolate like a baby soother… I guess because the thought scared me. I thought of all the christmas teas and events coming up. How could I possibly not have sugar? How could I possibly not ever feel this deliriously good? This incredibly high? This insane dopamine rush of chemicals in my brain that allow me to experience such intense pleasure and bliss…..

This is my addicted brain talking. I remember it, from my drinking days and trying to quit days (which are pretty much very recent…) though it’s slightly different. More of a cocaine or morphine or heroin high. Well actually, studies have shown that is is in fact quite similar to these drugs. Scary, really.

So my problem is – how do I do this?! Is it even a good idea to give up sugar?
Sure, I can go off of it for a time. I have done that before. Did I feel incredible, with tons of energy and happiness? Yes. Was I also stressed the fuck out at how society treats sugar and junk food, and at people’s attitudes toward this junky food, and at me, for wanting to avoid it? Yes. Did I want to scream and rip my hair out because everyone was nagging me so much? Yes… The only time outsiders actually ever thought I might have an eating disorder was when I went off sugar and wheat and went uber healthy.
THERE IS SO MUCH THAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH THAT.

No, that was not an eating disorder – that was called “eating healthy” and I guess you know nothing about it.

It’s when I’m fucking eating this junk that you think is great in moderation that I get out of control and have an eating disorder. WTF world. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

But yet, off of sugar, I felt blissful and calm yet full of energy. It was a very clear, content and happy feeling. Less cravings. But yet, cravings came… but they went. And they weren’t as strong as they are now!!

It is soooo like alcohol addiction. I should know.

So my problem is – how do I make this actually work?
I can’t keep doing the same things I’ve tried before. They didn’t work before – why would they work now?

I feel better off of it, but I don’t know if I can totally stick to that. Doesn’t seem feasible at all.
So…. is there a way for me to be able to have treats now and then, but with my cravings not careening out of control and destroying me!??!

Is there something else I can eat, or other foods and/or supplements or herbs or who the fuck knows what, that I can have at the same time so that if I do eat sugary junk, it won’t destroy me? Hmm.

That is what I need to find out next. I have tried so many things…. I am going to cling to some possible new answer. Possibly this could be a part of it. I think that it is a drug, and I want to get off of it. Or manage it.

Or, maybe it’s just simply a drug I can never get off of.

But wtf I can’t just give up hope.

I need some new ideas….

More whining about cravings :(

Uuuuuuuuuuuugh. Am I destined to live my life in agony and deprivation? Fuck.

Anything that is healthy, tastes good, and is affordable….????? What about when everyone is eating chocolate and sugary drinks and pasta and delicious junky things?!?!? Do I just snack on some beef and broccoli and cry into my tea?? (I’m not even a tea person I LIKE COFFFEEEE!! Even the best rooibos barely beats the worst coffee….that’s how much I like coffee)

There are more things in life than food. But actually, our brains and bodies are designed to see food as a source of life. So…………….. suck on that.

I’m obviously still in angry bingey mode. I have eaten an entire box of gluten free pasta with butter and sauce and cheese, and like 8 reeses pieces (edit: 8 entire packages, each package containing 3 reeses, so…24 pieces) and a starbucks drink and some bacon and coffee with cream…….oh. But I took my vitamins. Ahahahaha….

And I just watched a thing on how to beat candida. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Let’s just take a couple months out of our life and spend a thousand dollars and eat grassfed hormone free meats, only certain veggies, no dairy no grains no sugar no fermented foods not too much fruit………..and then take a billion supplements, fifty things I’ve never heard of before, strange teas every day, alternating natural medicines – every four days a different one – go through like three or four different stages of this… with other therapies involved too. DON’T CHEAT ONCE or you’re back at the beginning!!!! Ahahahahaa…………. FML. Atleast, this part of my life. 😦

My appetite is so ravenous though. I don’t think I can do the thing above. But, I have to do something. But….can I live this way forever? I want to be able to have treats sometimes. But how do I manage to have treats sometimes without going off the deep end?? It’s like alcoholism, but with food. Atleast with alcohol, it makes more sense to not have it. But all those other foods? They are everywhere. And people push it on you. Grandparents and church people and all kinds of people… it’s like there is no escape!! And it’s hard enough to keep turning things down… but when you actively WANT them and are CRAVING them?!?!

With alcohol, I would simply avoid being around it, or people who might push it on me. But with this, there is no escape. And there seems to be no escape from my cravings, either. And calorie wise – going by years of journals – I can just barely feel satisfied at 1800 calories. Like, not constantly thinking of food or feeling starving, but just barely ok. 2300 calories seems to be what I eat to feel satisfied completely, content, like I can finally relax and feel full. It’s eerie how exact it is.

How do I lose weight then? Always be starving? Always feel empty and horrible and miserable and starving? I can’t do that. How do I trick my brain into thinking I’ve had 2300 cals, when I’ve had less??
By not having sugar or dairy, for one. Or starchy carby foods. And how do I live in this food addicted culture, while sticking to that?!?
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………

Food cravings are unbearable

OMG I’m almost at the point of tears… my food cravings are especially bad right now. It’s a week before my period – they were bad before, but now they are horrendous. I feel constantly empty and starving and I could just keep eating and eating and eating… this is not an “I feel sad so I will stuff my problems away” I don’t think… this happens every month for a couple weeks and I just feel so starving all the time. Is this hormones??

This is pissing me off and worrying me a little. I also have, what do you call it… my tongue is white. I know that’s a sign of something… and uuurrrrgggghhhh. I can try to be healthy (AKA stop eating all these unhealthy things, or overeating everything) but that would involve another battle, involving not concentrating, staying in bed, being miserable, having no energy, etc etc… and then I have my alcohol cravings to worry about.

But I need to be healthy. And I also have a lot of body fat to lose. This is just fucking ridiculous. My gut health and gut bacteria must be absolutely terrible.. I know many, many things to do to help heal this… it’s more difficult than giving up alcohol, very expensive, incredibly stressful, and not very feasible for someone who is not living in a cave. FML.

No cheese, no gluten, no sugar, no alcohol, no anything good except meat that is filled with hormone and diseases unless I pay more money which I don’t have……………………

It’s hard to be healthy

So, I feel pretty good, though a little uneasy. Over tiny things. Stupid FB things. Basically, I don’t understand most people. Why the fuck do some people do the things they do? Or why do they skip over your comments and comment only on others? In the same post???? WTF. They’re nice to me. So, why the ignoring…the other people said the exact same thing pretty much. And they mentioned them by name, but not me. Such trivial things, but, they seem to get under my skin… it’s so hard for me to ignore. Even though I know it’s not a big deal.

Anyway. Having said that, I’m feeling fairly good. I’ve had a LOT of energy lately!!! Sooooo much. For the past few days atleast. Two nights ago I did take some Ashwagandha root powder for the first time. But I took it at like a little after midnight… it really helped me sleep. I slept in, by a LOT. But when I woke up? ALL THE ENERGY!!! I started a major clean of my place… including starting to take ALL the books and things off of all of my shelves, scrubbing everything down with disinfectant, etc…. I also entertained two small (and very cute!) children through all of this.

And then, I totally crashed… my energy went down, sooooo low. So I had some coffee, tried to do a bit more, but couldn’t. And this was only at like 7pm-ish? So I called it a night (cleaning wise anyway). So now, I have huge, tall piles of books and things all over the place… and I have another shelf to do. Ahahahaha…. so I hope that my energy kicks in for today! I sort of have the day off today, but it’s already almost 3pm, and I have to be somewhere at 7pm. Well, maybe I will stay up late today. Or, I could try that Ashwagandha root powder again (but take a little less this time). I wonder if that had anything to do with my energy? Hmmmm…..

Anyway. I also want to be physically healthy. I feel like it’s an ongoing battle… and even when I can stick to being fairly healthy, I can’t afford it!!! Like, the ashwagandha root powder I got from a marked down store, and it was only a tiny bit. Will I ever be able to afford it again? Or supplements?

Oh but right, we should all get our vitamins and minerals from real food. Ahahahahaha I KNOW!!!! But it’s stressing me out how unhealthy food is now. How badly my body seems to need meat and protein. Do you think this might have anything to do with being anemic, or is this just how my body is?

Anyway… so all the meat these days is all from sick cattle, fed unnatural foods…and all the drugs and hormones and sickness gathers in the meat…. so, if I’m to eat a lot of meat, I will need to go to the farmers market and get healthy meat. For five hundred thousand million dollars a pound. And then, vegetables…. yeah I can pretty much only afford frozen bags of end bit vegetables at Wal Mart. This is just so ridiculous. So really, I get factory farmed, hormone and sickness filled meat and econo end bit frozen veggies… and I still can barely afford that. Never mind all of the other things to eat……

But hey! A box of kraft dinner is under a buck! Woooo! And chocolate is 70 cents!! Cauliflower is over $3….yeah….. well, now even the specialty gluten free pasta is cheaper than that!!!

I was hoping that by not drinking I would have more money…so far I’ve been spending it on my food addiction instead. But now I’m hoping to slowly change my eating. I mean, by eating all the junk I want, I have been slowly eating healthy foods too, and because I want to, not have to!! After so many days of junk food, I got up and had meat and veggies (and instant mashed potatoes…) and now it’s moving into just meat, veggies, and cream cheese or a creamy salad.

But I feel like I shouldn’t go too low carb at this point. Maybe have brown rice or some potatoes though, if I want carbs. But then… I have to allow myself some sugary things… or I don’t feel quite safe enough to try to cut it all out. I’ve already been thinking of alcohol a lot lately. So, I need something at this point that I can have instead. I have discovered red grapes and cream cheese though! It’s almost like cheesecake. And come on, that has got to be better than a lot of the sugary junk out there….

Anyway, I still am having problems shaking this uneasy feeling.
Talking to this woman I like – it’s really holding up a mirror to myself, and my issues. So many times she will say something, or not say something (or anything) and all of these thoughts and feelings will come flooding over me. So I can step back and take a look at these powerful emotions and thinking patterns… really try to see what they are, where they come from, and learn healthy ways to deal…sometimes it really seems like too much. But it always ends up simply being things that are going on inside me – not accurate of what is happening out there. It’s all me.

So, this relationship is allowing me to see all of this stuff come up. And then hopefully I can work on it. I would like to truly be healthy one day – emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. I know it’s a process. I just… I want to be able to do this process…. to actually proceed somewhere. I do feel like I am slowly doing that…. so….. I don’t know what to say. It’s just a difficult journey. But, to say this overly used phrase…. so worth it.