I AM SO UPSET

Okay look. I’m SICK of seeing all these “big is beautiful” posters with overweight women on them, yet in every single picture, they all have thinner faces with NO double chin and model like features. Stereotypically beautifully faces… therefore, it’s “ok” to have them be “big and beautiful” because at least their faces are “acceptable” and “beautiful!” Gggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah WTF!!!!!!!!!

Okay so I’m having a breakdown right now. And this just popped up on my computer and made it worse. I mean, I have a double chin and a fat face, yet I’m not THAT overweight. But I’m still a fat fucking blob. “People say I carry it well”. But… I don’t in my fucking face!! It’s the main reason that it bothers me to be overweight – my chubby face with neck that connect to chin in this big blob.

I would LIKE THE FUCK to see some posters of these so called big and beautiful women, posters meant to help self esteem, with some other kinds of fucking faces on them now!!! And lots of double chin!! LOTS!!! Let me see big, round, double chinned women in those self esteem posters – or else they’re just not fucking helping at all.

It’s kinda like when you see those posters for how certain races can be beautiful too (of course they can be!!) but the posters and the models all have stereotypically looking ‘white’ faces and features… why not all kinds of shapes and looks. Gah. It’s not really accepting differentness at all.

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Anyway, I am really fucking sad today.

I’m on day 79 of being sober. Today, everyone left the castle, and I was here alone. And I was so close to drinking all afternoon and it was hell to not. But I didn’t. Then they came back and it would have been much harder to drink then, since it’s mostly in the communal area.

But then – they just left again!!! And I have the place to myself tonight.

So basically, long story short, sobbing my eyes out in the kitchen. Crying about how I have no control over my body. I managed to so far not drink, but I want to so badly…. and I have been trying very hard to nourish my body and to get it back on track… trying so fucking hard…. and here I am months later and I look the same, feel the same, am at the same weight, same measurements, and not only that – now I’m in the kitchen finally sort of allowing myself to pig out on food because I feel starving, and atleast if I binge on food maybe I can stop myself from binging on alcohol.

And I was also sobbing because I knew I couldn’t/shouldn’t purge again, like I had just gotten into the habit of doing after a food binge. I just can’t do this. I don’t think my body could handle it.

But then I’m going even more backwards in my taking care of body program. Or of actually losing weight. And it’s not fair that I have these overwhelming cravings (both FOOD and alcohol) and that I feel so out of control. And even when I control the urges, and go for long periods of time not pigging out, taking care of myself – NOTHING HAPPENS.

And I am lumpy and ugly with a fat face and alone tonight with no friends and no plans for valentines and my body is basically in control of me and how I feel and how fucking fat I am and when I eat and blah blah blah……………………..

So I’m sobbing away and then my nose starts bleeding. So I run upstairs, eventually after a long time it stops… and then I think I will watch netflix to calm down, but the computer is black and has seemed to stop working. But I have another one (I have two barely-working computers that are both second or third hand) so I can type this here (I can’t watch netflix on this comp though – they won’t play right and it’s all choppy).

And I still feel pressure in my nose an like there’s just something wrong with mean I’m dying of a brain tumour or something. I swear to god. I’ve thought this for the past 5 years. That there’s just something not right.

Anyway. I have been trying to do the radiant recovery program, which is focused on adding good things into your life so you have a more stable foundation before you cut out sugar. So I bought this whey protein powder, and in the last week it has been the only thing that has really helped me to control my cravings and relax and feel like a normal person.

You know. I can feel calm and not starving. And not binge. But, oh no! What’s that?!? It gives me horrible back and stomach pains whenever I take it. I can take a tiny amount, and I don’t get much pain, but it doesn’t give relief or fill me up either.

Basically, fuck it all. No one’s dietary advice works and no ones emotional/psychological advice works.

I guess I have to focus on how I’m a spirit and not give a fuck about my outward appearance or what my body does or feels. Why am I in a physical world then? Who te fuck knows. And if there’s no such thing as a spiritual soul, then I’m really truly fucked. And in that case – what is the fucking point?!!??! Just. I give up then.

FUCK. IT. ALL.

Why are there so many stupid people!??!?? Why do I see no TRULY fat girls on those big is beautiful posters?!? Because they’re still subscribing to societies standards.

And also…. I really hope I don’t have a brain tumour………… I hope I’m not fucking dying.

I’ve had a couple other nosebleeds this month. WTF.

Oh let’s try to be healthy! So my body can go die on me anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: AAHHH!!! SO, remember I said I ended a ten year long relationship that was abusive, like, a year or two ago?? Just last night though I had a dream, and I missed them soooooo much. Yet, when I see their face on FB (mutual friends, one of them has them in their profile pic eve) I want to scream and punch them in the fucking face. But then today I was almost crying because I missed them. Soooo messed up) ANYWAY. THEY JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE ON FB!!!! Aaaaarrrgh,

I got so much more stressed even, at that, you have no idea. So I just had to lay on my bed and try to visualise my ‘safe, happy place’ lolol I really have one!!! It’s a beautiful space where I can just relax and de stress in my head.

So there is one cat where I live (well, two really) that just don’t like to go near humans much, don’t cuddle, absolutely will not be picked up, and just keep to themselves. Well. She came in my room, and not just that, but hopped on my bed and was walking around me, soooo worried looking. That’s crazy. I freaked out the hermit cat and she actually seemed worried about me. Awwww….. 😦

Now, I may have a shower. And watch netflix on my phone I guess. Eat more chocolate. Because in the morning, I will be sober. And I will celebrate. (also friday the 13th – good thing – and day before valentines – sad day – but a reason to buy myself chocolate, if I got my check yet – I hope so)

Oh. So I can read the message on my email, without going to the FB one. They’re trying to show me a video of a song that they are in love with, and that makes them think of me. I think I’m going to have another breakdown now, and try so hard to remember why this person is not in my life… but maybe I made a mistake….wwaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

It’s been awhile.

Uh, I’m alive. But I made a journal entry in a different, very old online journal someplace because it was a more private thing, and set to friends only…. I didn’t feel comfortable writing about it here. But, it was about my therapist. I will say that. And of course I ended up writing some other things too, about other things and people – good and bad.

Also, I have vented a lot on this forum that I started going to again – I have my own thread too, just to write about my day. But I should come back here and write here.

Still upset with my therapist sometimes… (yeah, I finally had an appointment with her after she canceled on me three times in a row… making it a month that I hadn’t seen her)… just so frustrated to the point of tears sometimes. But also, I still like her. And also, I then feel guilty about being upset!! I am still worried about her and I now think I have good reason to… but that’s all I’ll say. 😦

I’m still in contact with this woman who I really like… this newish friend. She is still as amazing as ever! She initiates things like tea and walks and things. So I don’t feel like I’m this clingy person. She seems to actually like me, and actually want to spend time with me. And we still write a lot. So that’s great.

Food wise. Oh, GO FUCK YOURSELF, FOOD ADDICTION!! JUST GO FUCKING DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s kinda how I feel.

Alcohol wise, I guess since the 25th or 26th? Since the last time I’ve written, I haven’t drank. My therapist has it in her head that I have some kind of psychological barrier or thinking around the 30 day mark, and that is why I drink. And she thinks that if I wasn’t counting days, that I probably wouldn’t slip up. I think I disagree. But whatever.

What I am learning this week is this – sure, I may mess up and eat some sugar or have a bad experience or something, and then will be drawn to drinking or binging or whatever. But no, it’s not “this happens, so then I do that” but more like “this happens, and so then I feel this way, or think that way….” and that is it. That’s where it can end.

If I fuck up and have some sugar, I will suddenly have horrible cravings. They seem unbearable. But I should be able to just feel that experience, and not run out and buy more and binge all day and night, over and over… out of control. I will experience horrible feelings, both physically and emotionally. But it doesn’t have to turn into an action.

There are just consequences. But that doesn’t have to drive more negative action.

Of course, the negative action springs from a desire to feel better, right away! To not feel so bad. To “fix” it. Because I am absolutely terrified of being with my intense feelings. Well. I have to learn how to fucking be. How to be able to feel and think those things, and just be. Not run out and do more terrible things.

The only thing is, already, I know I might have had a bit too much sugar/carbs in me today (and not even that much) but it already feels absolutely horrible. She (my therapist) doesn’t seem to understand this. Even though I thought she would (or maybe she does and our communication is shit). I try to tell her how horrible and unbearable these cravings feel – like my primal instinct, hardwired into my brain (to continue the species, to EAT) is being hijacked and I feel this constant, intense hunger even if I eat a lot….it’s this primal, very strong urge… and it is really, real hard to bypass this.

And if I DO bypass it – it basically means I am writhing around on my bed, maybe crying, just feeling starving and horrible for days. I try to tell her how strong these cravings are but she doesn’t understand. How do I live day after day like this? I have talked lots of people with eating disorders, and they DO seem to understand. You can eat and eat and then purge to fix it…or stop eating, because when you eat hardly anything, there is no food in you to spark all these cravings.

There are so many millions of people with this problem that you think others would catch on. But no. They don’t. They just tell an anorexic to stuff sugar and carbs back into their mouth, and “get well” and “eat in moderation”. And they tell bulimics and ednos people that too… “eat in moderation” WTF DON’T YOU GET IT?!?!?

You don’t tell an alcoholic to “drink in moderation” for fucks sake!!!

But no. You’re all like “let us stop this black and white thinking, and practice some moderation” well I have to say to you, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

And you know what? After having said all that, I don’t have an answer either. I just know what is most likely NOT an answer. Doesn’t mean I know an actual solution to this problem. So fuck it all.

So therefore. I need to find my inner happiness and peace. My inner compass. My inner light. Because what else can I hold on to? My body is fucking me over. And my brain/emotions. So. Find this inner place where I can operate from. So no matter what happens, I can still have some semblance of peace.

That, I think, is an answer.

Protected: My ex best friend

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Thinking of ex friend again…

Ok. Ok ok ok ok!! There actually has been something on my mind a lot lately. It has come up again. I don’t know if I mentioned this ex-friend – very emotionally abusive I think – just all around toxic. I had to end our friendship last year. Atleast, I think it was last year? omg now I’m not sure. It was in the summer….not this summer. Hm. I guess it was last summer?

We were friends for a long long time, and got along reeeaaalllllty well. It was at the point where we hung out almost every day. All night, too. I could be totally myself around her; my silly, weird self. No makeup, no hair done self. With her, I just let loose – all my thoughts always just came tumbling out of my head as I thought them. Sometimes, I think I started talking before I knew what I was going to say, very stream of conscious like (no wait – this was almost all the time!!!) So it was very freeing, in a sense, to hang out with her.

It was fun. well I guess, most of the time… we were even roommates for awhile.

Anyway. I’m going to have to be really honest with myself. I want to get it straight, how things were. How abusive was she? Was I abusive too? Was there that much wrong or was it all in my head???

Actually, that’s part of the problem. Last year I guess it was, trying to end this friendship, I almost lost my mind. I seriously thought I was insane at one point. Delusional. I couldn’t handle knowing I was delusional on top of all my other issues… I even contemplated suicide because of this. I was like, omg, reality is not what I thought it was… I have serious issues….wtf is wrong with me!?!? But apparently, it was her, trying to make me feel crazy. It worked.

Ok I feel like I’m jumping all over the place here!! I want to try to just go through what was wrong, or what I think felt off, and what I know was off….I’m just going to make a separate post about it all. The password will be “tauruseclipse” I will try to think of how it was, everything about how she treated me and everything… try to sort it all out. Maybe someone can let me know if I am blowing things out of proportion or not. And of course.. I will probably leave things out, too. I mean, until I remember them. Then I can update.